Restless observations on air travel (Part 2)

(This is Part 2 of 3)

Back for more?  Then let's continue.  So we've made it through the check-in process,  navigated TSA-managed security (rest assured, that will be covered separately at some future point - no lack of material in that process, right?), and survived the rigors of boarding and the pre-flight rituals.  Let's take off, shall we...

(In Flight)

• Armrest wrestling: Personal space on a commercial flight is a contradiction of terms - there isn't any.  One has only to walk down the aisle of an already-boarded aircraft and see just how efficiently the design engineers maximized every conceivable millimeter to put in the greatest number of seats in a confined area.  Think sardines in a can - only the sardines are often overweight, over-tall, and still alive and kicking...  The one bastion of privacy to allow us our individuality, our separation from the masses - the arm-wrest.  That beautiful invention that allows a passenger to see to his riding companions on either side, "See this line?  This is my area, buster.  Don't so much as THINK about stepping into this area right here..."  You know, like when we were kids riding with our brother(s) or sister(s) in the back-seat on that exhaustingly long road-trip and we drew the imaginary lines separating our personal areas?  And, of course, this resulting in one sibling "pushing the envelope" and intentionally sliding a foot or a knee or a hand into the "Forbidden Zone" resulting in a clash of wills, leading mom or dad to go postal, stop at a rest area, and walk in tight circles blabbering to themselves and pulling out their hair.  (Great memories!)  What does one do, however, when one's seat-mate on the flight is so wide that moving the armrest into a lowered position is an impossibility?  Or what are the rules of etiquette governing who's arm actually gets to relax on said armrest?  Do you take turns?  Does middle seat take priority over window and aisle?  Interestingly enough, these topics/rulings are not covered in the in-flight safety video, flight attendant pre-flight safety demonstration, nor in the convenient seat-back brochure (you know the one - with the androgynous, non-human appearing life form animations demonstrating how to breathe through a mask, open the emergency door, activate the rafts off the wings, showing how NOT to smoke on a airplane).  Considering I've never had to actually do any of the things described in the brochure and the fact that this armrest issue occurs on just about every flight - I'm thinking the airlines need to add a section.  In it, the animated figures would be seen battling it out in an orgy of biting, kicking, and pile-driving with the victor ultimately seated comfortably with both arms resting on the armrests to either side, the losing passengers serving him pretzels and club soda and fanning him with the in-flight Sky Magazine.  Or perhaps we eject the losing-est passenger using the over-the-wing exits?  I know how to operate those doors - studied it in the brochure.  Hey!  It could happen...

Bring me my pretzels and Club Soda...

• Can I charge you for that?:  Everything during the flight is now available for a price.  Everything.  Want something to eat?  Cha-ching.  Want to watch an in-flight movie?  Cha-ching.  Want to actually hear the movie you've paid to watch?  Cha-ching.  I've heard that on one airline, they've actually begun charging passengers for their carry-on bags...their carry-ons!  Makes you wonder what's next.  Seatbelt Usage Fee: $2; Conversation with your fellow passengers: $1.99/minute (international rates differ); Paging a flight attendant: $4; Actual dialogue with a flight attendant (consultation): $6 for the first request, $2 every subsequent exchange; Lavatory entrance fee: $5;  Making a pee-pee in said lavatory: $2.50;  Making a 'poo-poo' and pee-pee in lavatory: $7; Water activation of lavatory-sink: $1.50/minute; Cross-word puzzle playing privilege in the Sky Magazine: $4/game - you get the idea.  Think I'm kidding???  Mark my words - during our lifetime, we'll see lavatories with a coin/cash/credit-operated entry door.  It's not an "if"; simply a "when"...

Can someone break a $20???

• A Tale of Two Extremes: And what's up with the temperature settings on commercial aircraft?  There appear to be two settings: "Desert" and "Frozen Tundra".  No "Scenic Spring Meadow", no "Warm Summer Evening" - only "Mojave in August" or "Siberia in late January".  It's especially noticeable once the plane has leveled off at it's normal flying altitude.  Now, granted, I realize that it's considerable less comfortable from a climate perspective just outside the cabin - say, on the wing.  But you'd think with all of the advancements in technology that we would somehow be able to master a climate-control setting option on your typical 737 - I mean is it really THAT hard???  And, of course, the flights are only stocked with blankets to accommodate about 7% of the passengers and pillows to comfort about 13% leaving the remainder of the passengers to cling together for shared bodily warmth or otherwise fan themselves with copies of the Sky Magazine (see earlier bullet).  It's gotten to the point that air travel is much akin to going to the movie theaters - dress in layers cause you never really know what temperate zone you might be walking into...

Blanket Hoarder!!!

• Ding...Ding: That most welcome of sounds!  The indication that it is "now safe to use portable electronic devices..."  And use we do!  I like to sit and watch the immediate scramble following the bell as passengers climb over each other to reach their laptops in the overhead bins, or contort themselves given the limited legroom to try and access their computer bags resting under their seats.  Seriously, folks, if you haven't observed this, it's worth a front-row seat.  It's sort of like a prize fighter - very quick, very nimble - immediately following the bell of Round 1.  Everyone is sitting calmly and then - ding - mad scramble!  Arms and legs everywhere!  Eye-rolling as middle seat and aisle seat have to stand up because window seat wants to grab his paperback or a ball-point pen to play Sodoku from their carry-on in the overhead - seriously, it's priceless!  And now most planes offer Wi-Fi so travelers can surf the web, check scores, update their blogs (JOY!!!), and in short remain connected with the world below them...  That is, of course, until the plane begins it final approach and the second "Ding...Ding" occurs.  That's when privileges are revoked, and the process essentially occurs again - just this time in reverse.  Laptops must be closed, pens/pencils down, return all items to their respective places, tray-tables stored, seat-backs up.  Reminds me of State Aptitude Testing in grade-school.  Remember all the instructions that accompanied starting and stopping a test?  Nothing's really changed - all the test-takers have simply grown up...

"Ding Ding"   : )

Be sure and come back for the last chapter in my 3-part repartee.  Next time we'll cover the final-approach and de-planing process....SMASHING!!!