Restless observations on air travel...

(This is part 1 of 3)

I'm on a business trip this week (Boston being the destination). This is not a rare occurrence for me, although I traveled much more frequently earlier in my career. Back in those days I spent about 70% of my work schedule out of town, with many of those assignments taking me overseas. The point is - I travel - lots. My reason for mentioning this is simply to share a number of observations I've noted and collected while accumulating my frequent flier miles. While this might appear humorous (and certainly that is my intent, at least in part), they're not exactly a laughing matter at the moment you're enduring them. Read on and you'll see what I mean...

(Boarding/Pre-Takeoff)

• The Kentucky Derby: This is the phenomenon that occurs whenever the gate agent announces that a particular flight is about to begin boarding. Almost every passenger, despite their Zone number (on Delta, flights are boarded by Zone, 1-6 with First Class and frequent fliers boarding first) is hypnotically drawn to the front of the queue.  Inevitably, they are Zone 5 or 6 passengers, but will feel the need to stand there, magically assuming there are no passengers actually assigned Zones 1-4. What follows is a necessary jockeying of position in the mass of bodies through a form of "boarding pass poker", where passengers display their boarding pass to one another comparing Zone numbers with the "winner" advancing forward into the mob and the "loser" taking 1-2 steps back to play another round with the passengers pressing from behind. There's also the inevitable one passenger on every flight who attempts to board before their Zone number is called, forcing the gate agent to stop them, explain the boarding process (despite the fact that the PA system has replayed these instructions several hundred times) delaying the process by a good 10-15 minutes. And the winner is.... 

Off to the Races...

• Aisles, middles, and windows - Oh, my!!: I prefer the aisle seat on every flight, because of the opportunity to stretch at least one leg out during the flight. If all aisle seats are taken, I'll opt for the window seat because there's a little more breathing room given the curvature of the sides of the aircraft, plus the fact that you end up with a view. The dreaded middle seat is my least favorite - here you're trapped, sandwiched between who know's whom with little leg room, and no easy escape/exit from the "snorer/drooler", "chatterbox", "wide load", "smelly person", "smelly food person", or "IIA" (Infant In Arms). Yes, I have a whole host of nicknames that designate my fellow passengers into buckets. These are the more tame, but I digress. Without fail, I will board the plane and take my aisle seat and get fully settled...and that's the exact moment that the middle seat person will arrive. This means collecting my personal items (book, laptop, etc.), standing up and moving into the aisle to allow my fellow passenger to be seated. And then, once we are both comfortably seated and settled...along comes Mr. or Ms. Window Seat, and the process is repeated. I very rarely, if ever, see a scenario where the window passenger boards first, followed by middle passenger, followed by aisle person - and believe me I look for it. That'll be the day I either initiate my comprehensive repentance process in preparation for the Apocalypse, or run out and purchase a lottery ticket...

Steve Martin, I feel your pain...

• Physics and the carry-on: Different types of aircraft offer different overhead bin dimensions. Typically, the larger the aircraft, the larger (and deeper) the overhead bin. Inevitably, a number of passengers, either hoping to avoid the checked baggage fees or because they're just idiots, will board the plane with a "carry-on" similar in dimension to a military foot-locker. We're talking enormous! What follows is an entertaining ritual where the passenger attempts to squeeze, press, shove, or through osmosis pass this monstrosity through the unreceptive, impossibly narrow overhead bin compartment. And they act shocked and surprised when it fails to magically widen like the jaws of a serpent and somehow swallow up their luggage! And it happens on every flight. And it never fails to make me chuckle.

• The dangers of boarding first: While I do like to be seated early in the boarding process, ensuring there is sufficient space for my carry-on bag and getting settled, there is an inherent risk one assumes with this privilege. The hazard manifests itself with the absent-minded or distracted passengers yet to board, wielding their carry-ons like medieval weapons, banging down the aisle smacking heads, stepping on feet, kicking the legs of already seated aisle passengers, in essence attacking their often unsuspecting victims with whatever they find themselves armed with - guitars, laptops, backpacks, etc. They will hit you, punch you, kick you, spill their drinks on you, dribble food on you - anything is possible...

• The Alec Baldwin affliction: There are specific times when phones, computers, and other portable electronic devices can be used on airplanes. This is another one of those pieces of information that are repeated incessantly during the boarding process, once the boarding door has been closed, during taxi/take-off, throughout the flight, in preparation for landing, immediately after landing, while taxiing to the arrival gate, and during the de-planing process. In summary, unless you are deaf, dumb or dead, you've been instructed on when you can/can't use these devices. But there are inevitably at least 15-20 "stupid people" on every flight that will insist on sending just one more text, just one more email, taking/making one more phone call, or playing one last game - thus violating the policy, upsetting the flight attendants or pilots or their fellow passengers. And, not surprisingly, when they are approached for the second/third time by one of the aforementioned personnel and firmly demanded to turn off their device, they act either shocked, offended, or my personal favorite, respond by saying, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know...". Hell has a special place for them, I imagine (or at least one can hope).

• The Baggage A**holes: Sorry to end this segment on a sour note but it's rant-time!  These are the jerks that are usually the first to board the plane right after the First Class passengers (usually the frequent flyer, or "Sky Priority" frequent fliers).   They are seated in the middle or rear portion of the aircraft AND armed with carry-on luggage and laptop bags.  These folks board the aircraft and insist on unloading their items in the overhead bins IN THE FRONT OF THE STINKING AIRPLANE - not even remotely close to where they're sitting because they're too important or too special to be bothered with actually using the bins provided near their seat.  Now, to many, this action might not appear to be a big deal.  But consider the people that board a little later who are seated near the front of the aircraft (yours truly) - imagine the frustration when they discover the overhead bins are full around their seat and yet there are no seated passengers in the vicinity.  This forces them to put bags in a section considerably behind where they are seated which means at the end of the flight they either man-handle their way during the deplaning process against traffic to retrieve carry-ons, have to ask some stranger 5-10 rows if they'd be willing to carry it forward, or wait until everyone has de-planed to go back and retrieve their items.  And of course by "they" I mean "we" or "me"...  On one particular flight (it had been a long rough business day) when I experienced this situation, I actually went from my seat in 12C to the rear of the aircraft inquiring as to who had parked their roll-aboard above my seat.  Surprise, surprise - Mr. Butt-munch in seat 38D was the responsible party.  Needless to say, Mr. Butt-munch received a special delivery of his "eye-sore on wheels" brought back care of a lovely flight attendant who felt my pain.  Alicia, wherever you are, I love you!  And shame on you, Mr. Butt-munch....shame...

Check back for observations during flight...