Restless at the gym...

Okay, readers, prepare yourself.  I'm feeling a bit of a rant coming - this should be interesting...

I enjoy working out.  This wasn't always the case.  When younger I was always drawn to sports and athletics in general but I found weightlifting or pure cardio activities boring (unless a soccer ball, basketball, or racquet was involved).  As I've aged I've gotten more into running, lifting weights, P90x, etc.  Someone suggested about a year ago I consider joining a gym, specifically Lifetime Fitness (think mega-gym) and the idea made perfect sense.  They have a lot more equipment, different exercise options, training programs, multiple pools, a rock-climbing wall, basketball/squash courts, sauna/steam room, etc., etc.  And it's great because they're open 24/7 which, for those of you that know my sleep schedule, is a dream come true.  Get home from NY at midnight and want to workout?  No problem!  Wake up at 2am and can't sleep and get this goofy urge to swim?  No problem!  You get the idea, right?  And the staff are friendly, they have a cafe that serves really healthy foods, a spa - everything is absolutely perfect!  Except...

Now I don't know about you but when I go to a gym it's for the purpose of actually doing gym-related activities, like lifting the weights, playing hoops, swimming laps - you know, those kind of things.  And while engaging in these activities, it seems to me that, naturally, I will quietly go about my routine, being friendly, of course, but essentially concentrating on my progress.  I am regularly frustrated to discover that I appear to be in the minority in this regard - at least at certain times of the day - and that "going to the gym" apparently means a variety of different things to different people.  Being the ever-observant blogger, I decided to conduct some anthropological field research and here are a few of the classifications I've discovered.  Perhaps you know individuals that fit nicely into some of these categories:

• The Alpha Male/Female - these individuals defy description; they are ginormous, have clearly taken the concept of lifting to new extremes and are pushing the proverbial envelope on the threshold of appropriate physique; most likely pumped full of 'roids; they don't have regular jobs, as I see them there literally at all times of day and, considering I'm usually at the gym for 2-3 hours, amazed to see that they're already there when I arrive and remain there likely well after I depart; did I mention the suspected steroid abuse?  no question - totally juiced...

• Vanity's Fare - I'm sure I could come up with a better label with time but I'm annoyed and not thinking clearly; these people suck; I humbly submit that they look at the gym as some form of "bar minus the alcohol"; they walk around for several hours - near the workout equipment, but rarely ever "utilizing" the exercise equipment; they are here to be seen, prowling around the equipment closest to the stairs leading into the workout area lurking like vultures for any unsuspecting members of the opposite (or potentially same - I don't judge) sex to initiate their pre-mating rituals; no hair is out of place, no sweat appears on their brow, no resistance to their muscles is actually achieved (I actually witnessed one girl at the water fountain spritzing a little moisture on her face to create the appearance of having perspired before walking over to ask an intended victim for advice on properly using the thigh machine); oh yes, and they average approximately 300 glances in the mirror per 15 minutes - they are the self-sycophants, the narcissistic non-exercisers...

• The "Lifetime Lions" - these are individuals who rely on auditory volume to somehow validate their workout; they are loud, VERY loud - grunting with each curl, screaming with each rep, and shouting at the end of each set; they feel the need to drop the dumbbells on the floor vs. actually setting them down in the hopes it'll attract attention and then they stand there desperately wanting to appear in "full focus" in spite of the fact one eye is constantly scanning for onlookers; they also tend to try and exercise as close as possible to the Alpha Fe(Male) crowd in the false hope that they will be perceived as one and the same with this group through some spatial/societal osmosis - sorry but it ain't happening; I make it a point to have earphones in at all times to cancel out the noise caused by this group - it would be overwhelming without them...

• The Idiots - harsh name, I realize, but read on; this is the small demographic that show up at the gym completely clueless about how to use the equipment, what is the appropriate weight, what they should do first - and rather than actually ask a staff member, mind you, they will opt to create a veritable safety hazard, endangering themselves and others with their constant yet misguided attempts to figure it out on their own; these are the morons making the YouTube highlight reel - flipping off the treadmills, nearly suffocating themselves with a overweighted bar on the bench as they didn't consider the need for a "spotter"; these are the ones that take dumbbells off the main storage area and then proceed to do their exercises DIRECTLY IN FRONT of the dumbbell storage where everyone is attempting to access the other weights but can't as they are blocked by...well...an idiot

• The Radicals (COPS candidates) - you have to pay attention to catch members of this particular group in routine; in short, this group is angry, and the anger started well before they entered the gym; they are exercising for a purpose - most likely one we'll be reading about in the criminal offenders section of the paper; they have the "stare" and a constantly mean, violent expression on their faces from the moment they start their routine to the moment they leave the gym; every rep, every exercise is a means to an end, a process working towards some calculated goal - and likely not to a better physique or a healthier lifestyle but rather the burning down of a neighbor's home, or the Rambo-like killing spree they're planning; in a word, skeevy (I try not to find myself in the locker room alone with members of this band - particularly after 9pm...

• The SmartPhone Addicts - last but not least these are the individuals that bring their work/social media activities to the gym - literally; they have their iPods with them at all times but rather than using them for music to ease their workout routines, they are incessantly texting their small universe of contacts, sending/receiving emails, participating on a conference call where they feel the need (like the "Lifetime Lions") to project their voices in a manner in which everyone in a 50 foot radius knows that they are working and, at least in their own minds, extremely important; this group likely intends to work out for 30-45 minutes yet manages at best a cumulative 5-7 minutes of actual exercise due to their constant self-interrruptions to engage in the aforementioned activities; tempted as a social experiment to "accidentally" knock the phone out of the hands of one of the members of this group simply to observe if their head will explode, or if they will come unplugged as if out of a hypnotic fog like in The Matrix and find themselves liberated to likely join one of the other groups listed - hmmmm, tempting!

I anticipate I will discover new and equally interesting species during my future workouts.  While occasionally annoying, they are actually harmless and do provide welcome distractions at times from the rigors of my exercise routine.  Needless to say, I am likely the poster child for some other gym-classification that escaped my creative mind but likely finds itself listed in some other member's blog as being equally annoying and obtrusive to their routine.  Now, do you mind?  I want to finish these last few reps...     : )