The men have spoken...

Earlier this month I provided advice from the ladies to men on the dos and don'ts of on-line dating.  In the spirit of fairness I thought it appropriate to turn the tables and return the favor for the women that might be dialed in here.  That's right, ladies, we men actually have preferences, too; and your ability to follow some of the suggestions below might reduce the number of awful dating experiences you encounter and help in narrowing down your selections to uncover the elusive "Mr. Right" you're always pining about.

I should mention here that I was hard-pressed to secure many opinions from the fellas on this topic so a large percentage of the suggestions are my own.  This is for several reasons.  First, most of my guy friends are married and have been out of the dating scene longer than I've been single.  In short, they've been out of the game forever but still have some opinions on the topic.  Secondly, it's an odd topic for a guy to broach with his male friends.  We'd rather discuss carburetors, shooting percentages in the NBA Finals, or how MacGuyver might fix our broken garage door assembly.  Lastly (and this is a rather selfish viewpoint on my part), I wasn't too keen on soliciting advice from guys I didn't know very well. Call me narrow-minded but I've heard too many horror stories from women on the attitudes and approaches of guys to dating that I'm not terribly interested in their suggestions or ideas - the few I heard second-hand were not going to find their way into this entry (e.g., wear something tight on the first date so we have an accurate idea of what we're dealing with).  Really, men...really???  So I'll be forging ahead largely on my own here.  Deal with it...

You're 42 and this picture was taken just last year??  Right...

Your Profile Page

1. Let's start really basic.  You NEED a photo if you want to get our attention.  Men are visual and we want to know what you look like - your eyes, color of your hair, style of dress, your smile, your body, etc.  Without a photo, we're going to assume (admittedly sometimes incorrectly) that you have something to hide.
2. On the same topic, we would prefer to see multiple photos - at an event, on the lake, out with friends.  It gives us an idea of how you spend your time, the activities/interests you might be involved in, and how you present yourself in different settings.  You don't need to be made up or perfectly coiffed in every scenario - quite the contrary - we simply want to see you being yourself.
3. Similar to the women's preference, we prefer candid shots - NOT pictures from a professional photo shoot where you're airbrushed, artificially altered to look younger, thinner, etc.
4. In the same spirit, let's avoid using your high school prom photo as a profile pic, unless you graduated this past year in which case you shouldn't be on the site in the first place, but I digress.  Use recent photos, ladies.  You ask the same of us...
5. I have to be careful with this one.  I've read so many profiles where women abhor pictures of guys with their shirts off, workout photos, flex-and-pose photos - you get the idea.  Well, ladies, practice what you preach.  If you're going to put a picture on your profile where your boobs are the centerpiece, or you're decked out in harlot attire, men are going to assume that's what you're selling or what you're interested in.  So don't react adversely when you receive several hundred messages with "Nice tits" in the subject line - you asked for it.  If you dress slutty in your pics, we're going to assume that's what you are and what you're after.  Leave a little to the imagination - we'll enjoy getting to know that side of you in due time...
6. I can't speak for most guys but I am hugely opposed to poor spelling.  In this age of auto spell-checks and other wonderful on-line correction tools, someone who can't capitalize, punctuate, or spell properly isn't "cute" - they're moronic.  And it's not attractive - at least, not to me.
7. Most sites provide self-select options to describe your body type (they offer the men the same options).  Let's try a little honesty here.  Be comfortable with who you are and how you appear - and be open about it.  "Athletic and toned" shouldn't be so broadly defined as to describe someone as wide as they are tall.  And "Slender" means, well, slender.  I don't say that to be harsh - but you're being dishonest with yourself and others.  And what do you think is going to happen when we actually meet in person?  Do you think we won't notice, or somehow overlook your cherubic appearance because of our witty exchanges?  Not likely.
8. I could break the following item into a myriad of different items but I'm trying to be economical.  In short, BE HONEST AND BE YOURSELF!  Be comfortable in your own skin and you'll ultimately find someone that likes you for who you are - not who you're pretending to be.  Don't write things about your interests and aspirations unless they are truly your interests and aspirations.  Don't pretend to be someone you're not - it never works.  What will happen is, with time, you'll grow tired of the charade and revert back to your true self, and then you'll have a real problem.  We fellas dig women who are self-confident, self-assured, and independent (at least this one does).  So go with that...  : )
9. Your written profile probably isn't the best venue to rant on all the things you hate about your ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, men in general...  I've read a few profiles that were so filled with anger and hate it really made me question why the person was attempting to look for a date in the first place.  Everyone has baggage - I get it - but like the real thing, it's good to store the luggage in a closet after the business trip and keep it there until it's needed again.  Transferring your anger or resentment from a previous relationship onto a new one is neither fair nor healthy.

Who wouldn't jump at the chance to take this woman out?

When responding to a guy...

1. I've read so many profiles of women who indicate they hate receiving/won't respond to "winks" on-line.  And yet these same women, when interested in a guy...wink.  What the hell is up with that???!!!  I don't want to hear about how much more volume you have to deal with on the dating site - if you're interested, take the time to write a few lines about why that is.  Guys (despite their rugged exterior or persona) like feeling special or singled out - just like the rest of the world - and a little note goes a long way.
2. I hear a lot of women say they don't have time to respond to everyone and they hate when men get all upset about it.  Women, you have a very lucid, very valid argument here and I fully agree with you - except...  If you reply to a guy and hint at an interest and several email exchanges take place, that is NOT the appropriate time to simply go radio silent.  If you open the proverbial door with a guy, make sure and close it.  It's so rude to give someone the impression you're interested and then leave them guessing.  If you never responded at all - that's different.  Just be consistent and be polite.
3. Maybe it's just me but I'm not interested in months and months of "just writing back and forth".  If I'm interested in you, I'm going to want to get you on the phone relatively soon and then meet you in person soon afterwards.  Facebook and LinkedIn are great for virtual networking long-term but I want my on-line dating experience to be more of a means to an end - the end being connecting live and in-person with a woman I'm interested in dating.  If you're merely seeking a pen pal, be clear about this in your profile or your first message(s).
4. Ladies, don't settle!  Men should be gentlemen, demonstrate manners, treat with you respect - all the things your folks probably taught you and wanted for you when you were younger.  You deserve no less - therefore, don't settle!  If a guy writes you and refers to you as a piece of meat, compliments you on your hypothetical "Brazilian wax job", or uses in his message one of those corny, inappropriate pick-up lines formerly reserved for bar scenarios - don't kid yourself into thinking you're going to change him or that he'll grow to respect you in time.  Are you completely daft??  If you claim you're looking for a gentleman, then make sure his messages, phone calls, and texts are consistent with gentlemanly behavior.  If nothing else, it'll help thin my competition.
5. Again, spelling and grammar.  "ThaNk you fur reeding my profyle.  Ur so hot whin kan we meat fur a dreenk."  Wow, can't wait to discuss socioeconomic policies in the European Union and their impact on foreign currency markets with this dreamboat..

Ashlee won't be getting a reply anytime soon...

On the first/second date

1. Don't feel obligated to order water and a small side salad and call it your meal unless that's REALLY all you would order if it was "girl's night out".  Again, be yourselves and quit pretending.  I actually am more impressed with a date that will accept having dessert at the end of the meal without feeling the need to make some obligatory disclaimer that she normally wouldn't, or that she shouldn't, blah blah blah...  Grab a spoon and help me make a mess of the apple cobbler - you'll score brownie points...
2. Try not to spend the entire time ranting about all the horrible first dates you've had with other guys.  I'm not them and, while I'm sorry you've had miserable past experiences, our current date doesn't have to be one of them.  If you're not willing/able to hit the "reset" button and come into our date open-minded, don't bother.  Nothing I'll say/do will convince you otherwise.
3. Don't brag about how rich/successful/famous your previous dates or boyfriends have been.  It comes off sounding extremely insecure - borderline desperate.  I can't speak for other guys but I'm very comfortable with my work ethic, my values, my lifestyle and my income.  If a woman is going to go out of her way to compare where I am in life with others that have come before me, I can merely suggest that her priorities aren't in line with my own.  I judge women by who they are - their substance and character - not what they do for a living or how much they earn.  I look for the same in return and usually am able to weed this out prior to a first meeting.  I'd prefer to spend our time together actually learning more about YOU - not pining on my previous romances or hearing exclusively about yours.
4. Don't invite another girlfriend to join us for dinner while we're on our way to dinner.  Also, please don't call several other guy friends to stop by and join us at the restaurant while we're finishing our appetizers (yes - this actually happened).
5. Because I'm inclined to hold the door for you when entering/exiting a restaurant, or to hold the car door for you when entering/exiting your vehicle at the end of a date, or to get your chair - this doesn't mean I don't respect your equality as a woman, or am attempting to demean or undermine your gender equity.  I was raised to be a gentleman and engage in these behaviors as a sign of respect - not because I'm a sexist or anti-feminist.  As such, I'm not needing a lecture as to why my behavior is somehow inappropriate or dated. (yes - this also happened)
6. I don't expect that because I've treated you to dinner that you are obligated to somehow repay me with affection or sex.  If you've been on dates where that expectation existed, then the man you were with was likely a pig.  It's a first date - the affection, etc. can/will happen later on if the chemistry is there and it'll happen naturally.  It shouldn't be forced or artificially approached.  This isn't an episode of "The Bachelor" and if you can't distinguish between reality and what you watch on TV, then you should consider seeking professional help.  Men don't date harlots nor take them to dinner - they simply pay them for sex and then leave.  Don't be anyone's harlot.
7. If you had a great time at dinner, don't fall into the ridiculous societal misnomer of assuming you need to wait a certain number of hours/days to reach out and say so.  Reaching out right away doesn't make you appear desperate, it indicates you genuinely had a good time.  This whole nonsense of "playing hard to get" or "not appearing overly eager" is a total load.  Throw away whatever manual you're using and just follow your heart...

See what I mean???