Restless about parenthood...

I'm proud of many things in my life - my career, my friendships, my family, my associations with colleagues (okay, my dating track record leaves a little to be desired but that is a work-in-progress and I was out of action for a number of years so cut me a little slack).  But seriously, of all the accomplishments I think of in my personal and professional life, nothing affords me greater happiness than my role as a father.

Ever since I was a kid I longed to be a dad - to be the kind of man my father was to me and to have the kind of relationship and friendship with a child like I so fondly remember from my youth.  To laugh together, offer advice (and hopefully wisdom on occasion), to do things - anything and everything - together, and to be the best of friends.  My dad was my hero - plain and simple.  And I wanted to be somebody's hero, too.

Like a little doll...

I was richly blessed with a happy and healthy son.  I still remember the day he was born.  He came early - some three weeks premature.  He was so small, so fragile, yet so alive.  I remember commenting to my parents at the awesomeness of procreation - how indescribable the feeling to know that I had taken part in creating that little body and giving it life.  To know that my ex-wife and I had made that little guy is still humbling and surreal and miraculous.

Fast forward.  I am the proud, beaming papa of a tall, lanky, 18-year old named Kellen.    He is in a word - awesome, albeit a little hairier and smellier than the baby from the last paragraph but ever the miracle.  He is in many ways a "miniature me" - similar tastes in reading, food, sports teams, etc.  And yet, he is so completely opposite me in other ways - personality, interests, career ambitions, etc.  He is a juxtaposition of the Restless Recruiter's yin and yang - both what I am and what I am not - and I couldn't be more pleased.  And yet...

Kellen and his cousin - when binkies were cool...

This year will mark a number of key milestones in my son's life.  First, he recently completed his Eagle Scout, the first in our family to ever achieve this distinction.  This year he graduates from high school - that key time in a young person's life signaling the end of childhood and the beginning of adulthood.  Later this year my son will begin serving a two-year mission for the church.  We've no idea where he might be called to serve.  I was sent to Brazil for my mission, my brother to Chicago, our friends to countless other locations, domestic and abroad.  He could literally be called to serve anywhere around the globe.  And finally, prior to departing for his mission, we'll be submitting applications for colleges/universities where he hopes to attend following his missionary program.  And all this will take place over the next nine months.

Father and son - when Hugh Grant hair was cool, apparently...

Now I could easily launch into an introspective rant against the passage of time - where did the years go, our children grow up so quickly - but I'd rather focus on the excitement of the moments still to come.  The thrill of knowing my son is now a young man, armed with the opportunity to go into the world and stake his claim.  It's a time of reflection.  Have I taught him what he needs to know?  Have I prepared him for what lies ahead?  Is he ready to stand on his own?  I can't help but think back on my maturity level at that age - just 19 and seemingly without a clue.  Is it just me or does my son seem so much more ready to tackle these challenges than I was?  So much more comfortable in his own skin?  I'm so excited for him to experience the great learnings and social interactions that impact a missionary serving his fellow man.  The service, the charity, the hard work - all will serve to build and shape character.  To enable him to see firsthand the value in giving yourself to God in faith - in allowing Him to make of my child what He will - and only He can.  Where will he serve?  Where will he attend college?  So many questions - and so many answers yet to be written...

My son, the future rocket scientist...

Sadly, I realize we'll shortly be closing a chapter in our relationship together.  A very special chapter as I think about our summer traditions, our Spring Break vacations, my relentless nagging and insistence he submit his high school homework on time (sorry, big guy - I meant well).  The little man from so many photographs and memories now stands two inches taller than his old man (yet still infinitely skinnier so...).  And he's so grown up.  And he's quiet, thoughtful, creative, and reserved - yet filled with an inquisitive mind, a desire to help others, and the same sweet spirit I remember since he smiled during the APGAR test within his first hour of mortality.

I can only imagine that the months ahead hold many tearful moments of nostalgia for me - of watching my boy truly become a man, of seeing him go out into the world to be a teacher, a missionary, an example to others.  I'm going to be an empty-nester in a more official capacity.  This will be our last summer before mission, college, career, and who-knows-what else.  I hope I've done enough - spent the time with him and had the experiences that will serve as a foundation for the rest of his life.  And I hope I've built enough memories to serve as a reserve against the many months of separation that will see us apart.  It's been so hard already having months of separation each year following the divorce.  I only hope I'm ready to go two whole years without his presence.

Kellen in the adult size...

My advice to all the parents out there is to not take a moment for granted in the relationships with your children.  Love them, play with them, pay attention to them.  The return on that investment is far richer than any stock purchase or bonus, more valuable than any portfolio or possession.  Because at the end of the day, I love my son and I know he loves me - what more could I possibly want...