Restless about drivers behaving badly...

Before I begin today's entry, allow me a brief departure to comment on several observations I received this past week from readers via Facebook.  A few of you expressed concern that I seem unusually upset as a writer or that I carry a lot of anger evidenced by the content or themes of my posts.  Let me assure you that I'm as happy as a puppy in a fire hydrant factory.  My rants are, for me, an alternative to exhaust a little frustration (and yes, at times, impatience) with the world around me.  I have little tolerance for ineptitude, inconsideration, and incompetence (surprise surprise) and it's liberating to occasionally put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard) and say aloud what I imagine most are thinking.  I hope you find familiarity or common ground in my rants.  That, like me, you hope for an improvement in behavior from the general populace.  I hope that clears things up a bit.  If not, you might want to reconsider reading on because the remainder of this post ain't gonna be pretty...   : )

Good morning, readers!  I trust you all had a relaxing and restful weekend, took a moment to hug a veteran (if not, it's never too late), and are preparing for a week of new opportunities.  For many of you, this will include preparing for the morning commute.  With all due respect, please accept my best wishes.  I say this for two reasons.  First, I have the luxury of working from my home office and, as such, won't be joining you in this daily exercise.  Secondly, I know what (and worse, who) you'll be facing and it's a most unenviable task.

Needing to wake up, Harry thought a splash of water might do the trick...

The daily commute.  There was a time in my career where I was a reluctant participant in this everyday ritual.  Where with the masses I would enter my vehicle (sometimes alone and sometimes with a ride-share buddy) and begrudgingly share the clogged arteries of our city with countless others from the suburbs to the heart of Atlanta and inevitably reverse the process every evening.  During these processions I would see all manner of lunacy - people driving while reading a paperback, people dozing off behind the wheel, women applying makeup whilst operating their vehicles; people texting, talking, singing, yelling at other drivers or simply yelling at nothing in particular - all part of the daily madness.  On some mornings we would count as many 4 or 5 separate accidents, all within the span of 15 or so miles of interstate.  Again, I feel your pain.

If I had a nickel...

When did we become so overrun with horrible drivers?  It's like the dumbing down blog entry, only this time they're armed with vehicles.  It seems you can't make a quick trip to the gas station or grocery store or movie theater without risking some near-death experience that makes you scratch your head and say a small prayer for simpler times and better motorists.  As a public service, I felt it important to take a moment and categorize some of these morons into groupings.  My hope is this will make it easier for you to identify them early enough in the commute and offer them a wide berth.  Make no mistake - these organisms are dumb and dangerous and most assuredly life-threatening.

Idiots in migratory pattern...

• The talkers/texters:  The "talkers" are easy to identify as they'll often be spotted with one hand in a fixed position to their head and their elbow resting comfortably on the door.  The texters can be a little more challenging to spot as they often attempt to mask their behavior.  They'll either be seen with one hand on the wheel and the other off to the side (out of view) with their head swiveling back and forth.  Alternatively, they'll have both hands (and attention) focused down in their laps, looking like they've just discovered the existence of their genitalia.  They'll be steering with their knees, their concentration fully on what's in their lap with the occasional furtive glance to the roadway.  Needless to say it's impossible for most people to concentrate on more than one thing at a time (for many, even one object is a struggle) so don't be surprised if they swerve or drive extremely slow/fast, flirting with the bumpers and fenders and side-panels of the vehicles in their immediate vicinity.
• The pilots: These are the motorists who confuse the highway for a runway, thinking that those little dotted lines separating the lanes of traffic are supposed to be kept beneath the center of their vehicle while driving.  You know the type.  They're half in your lane and half in someone else's with no attempt to correct themselves.  The only problem is that the imaginary plane they're operating is never going to actually take off so they're stuck on the tarmac with the rest of us.  And it's not really a plane, it's a car.  And it's not really a tarmac, it's Interstate 85.  And you're not really a pilot, you're inept.  Pick a lane, please.

Okay, maybe cars CAN fly...

• The color-blind: Red, amber, green.  Red, amber, green.  Each color means something completely different and is intended to signal a necessary action/behavior for the motorist approaching a stop-light.  Not for these morons!  Apparently for these choice few, red and amber also mean green.  Additionally, each of the colors is to them merely a suggestion rather than an actual law so there's no telling how they're going to react.  This of course means that for the rest of us red, amber and green all essentially mean some form of red or amber to avoid getting T-boned at the next intersection.  Color me unamused...
• The Lance Armstrongs: I'm not opposed to cyclists.  I have nothing against people committed to their fitness who choose to take out their 10-speed and use it to stay in shape.  Often times, they'll adopt pack behavior, cycling in small to mid-sized flocks.  But here's the thing.  Your bike is not nor will ever be an actual car!  It's not even a motorcycle or a moped.  And my neighborhood isn't the official training ground of the Tour de France.  So take your bike and get over to the far right side of the road (or bike path, or heaven forbid the abandoned sidewalk) and feel free to ride your bike all the live long day.  Don't plant yourself in the middle of the lane like you own the road and pedal 5 miles an hour in a 45mph zone.  Or weave back and forth from the right to the left side of the lane like some NASCAR driver getting a feel for the steering column prior to a race.  You're on a bike.  And I'm in a car.  Being followed by several dozen additional people, also in cars.  And we're not impressed.  By the way, last year's winner of the actual Tour de France - you know, the skinny non-doping amazing cyclist from Great Britain, Bradley Wiggins?  He was recently hit by a car whilst training on his bike in England.  And trust me, you're not as good as him...
•  The "what the hell are you doing in the fast lane-ers": If you choose the right label, very little explanation is really necessary.  Move over, please.    : )
• The minimalists:  These individuals are intent on driving the absolute slowest allowed by law in any area.  They are 45 mph on the interstates, 15 mph in 45 mph zones, and they likely get out and push their vehicles from behind around schools and supermarkets.  They're either ultra-defensive, concerned that their reaction skills have dulled and want to allow 5-10 minutes of reaction time for when the vehicle ahead brakes, or they're driving without a license/insurance and are making it too completely obvious that they're feeling the need to drive within the confines of the legal limits.  If you find yourself behind one of these individuals, probably best to pull over, grab a snack for say 15-20 minutes, and resume your journey.
• (Readers, I need your help with this one): I can't think of an appropriate title for this but have you seen the drivers that are right up against the steering wheel while operating their vehicle?  They have the seat as far forward as possible with maybe an inch of clearance between their chest and the wheel, their noses practically touching the windshield.  I'm not being sexist but they're often female (although I have seen a guy or two in this position) and all ages.  If you know what I'm talking about, help me come up with a label for this group.  And I should add that I don't consider this particular genus to be bad drivers - I simply don't understand how you can be comfortable or able to effectively operate your vehicle in that position.  If you happen to be a member of this genus, please help me understand what this is about.  It looks horribly uncomfortable and it would appear impossible for you to be able to swerve if the need arose.

Need your help to label the "steering wheel huggers"...

So there you have it.  Just a few of the delightful companions you'll encounter on your roads and highways this morning.  So enjoy that soda or cup of coffee or whatever your beverage of preference, grip the wheel just a wee bit tighter, increase the volume of your favorite tunes or radio station ever so slightly, and prepare for the adventure.  Savor the proximity to the worst our nation's DMV has to offer.  And, don't worry, even if you miss them today, they're bound to make an appearance tomorrow.  Buckle up!!!