The women have spoken...

This is a message for the guys out there.  That's right, fellas - this is all for you.  Which means most likely this post will be read immediately by the women followers - and that's okay because this is a message from the fairer gender directly to us guys.  Think of it as a sort of field guide to successfully navigate the mysteries of women through on-line dating.  All of the sites out there are different - different requirements, different restrictions, different approaches - but, according to the women I've talked to - they all would yield greater results for the boys if we could simply follow some simple guidelines.  So guys, grab some nachos, put on some Classic Rock, and let your education begin:

The Profile

1. Don't put up 95 photos of yourself.  6-8 is truly sufficient, but absolutely no more than 12.
2. On the photo issue, we want to see YOU -- not a sunset, the beach, or your damn dog/cat/gerbil.
3. Try to select pictures that are candid shots - NOT some professional photo shoot image with a fog machine and mood lighting (we've seen it - too many times...)
4. We don't want to see your workout photos (c'mon, guys -you know what we mean).  You may have a nice body and have benefitted from proper exercise/nutrition.  Let us discover that on our own vs. shoving down our throats/in our faces.  Leave a little mystery...
5. If you have gray hair on top of your head or in your beard, leave it alone.  Don't attempt Grecian formula to the point that you resemble a Japanese anime character...it's not helping.
6. PLEASE don't use old photos of yourself.  Don't claim they are recent (e.g., within a year) when they are date-stamped from 5 years ago; or your hair is a different color than in the photos; or your hair is mysteriously absent upon meeting from what was pictured...
7. It would help your cause to avoid improper grammar, poor spelling, or a lack of punctuation/ capitalization in your written profile - especially after claiming multiple degrees or an advanced degree.  This includes your written communications to us...
8. Take the time to write something informative in your profile.  Please don't start by saying, "I don't know what to write here...".  Nobody enjoys writing about themselves (well, almost nobody) but put on your big-boy pants and do it.  Have someone else read it to make certain it flows.  You may know what you are trying to say but that doesn't mean you have conveyed that intended message effectively.
9. Guess what?  EVERYONE loves to travel so unless you have enough money to retire and travel constantly, don't go on and on about it.  Talking about places you want to go with someone special is fine - we don't need paragraphs on the topic.
10. Don't use the entire body of your profile writing about all of your requirements, of everything that's been missing in the previous women you've dated, or ranting about what a harlot your ex-girlfriend is - it comes off sounding like a serial killer.
11. Don't indicate you are divorced if you are not; don't tell us you're in the legal profession when you've actually been disbarred and now sell cars for a living; don't tell us you like to read when you don't own a bookshelf or have a library card, and your Kindle doesn't contain a single download yet... (you get the idea here, fellas - honesty seems to be an important theme with the ladies)

NOT the photo to use for your profile pic...

When writing/responding to women...

1. "I loved your profile" is not an acceptable message on its own.  Really??!!  How about a line or two that indicates what was so inspiring/captivating about it??
2. If you're going to reach out, try something a little more deep than "I'm interested" or "How are you today?" with...no...other...content!  Oh yes, and SIGN YOUR NAME!  "Yes, Hello Mysterious Stranger...thanks for writing.  You seem very nice and are attractive.  Now who the !@#^% are you???"
3. Please don't use your first message to us to request our latest bikini shot.  We typically reserve those for later in the relationship...
4. Please make sure you've actually read our profile before attempting to write us.  We know you're visual and we all look at the pics first but we lose interest when you write and reference absolutely nothing about our profile write-ups (interests, aspirations, etc.).
5. In the same vein, please don't write us and reference some other woman's profile.  This will not help your chances..
6. If we're polite enough to respond and indicate, "thanks, but no thanks", then PLEASE don't go all John Hinckley/Charles Manson on us.  Our attempts to be nice and provide closure shouldn't require a future restraining order because you're feelings have been hurt.  Accept that not everyone is a match for everyone and move on...
7. Please consider providing a phone number at some point vs. choosing to only send messages.  This is a dating site and we're looking for something more than merely a pen-pal.

On the first/second date

Please don't:

1. ...pretend to want to hold our hand and then reach around and grab our ass; this is not a compliment - and it's not that funny.
2. ...ask us on a second date and instruct us not to wear jeans as they are too difficult to deal with; skirts or dresses only?  Really???
3. ...tell us you are looking for someone active and athletic and then ask why we don't have long nails painted bright red.
4. ...tell us how much you think you would enjoy meeting/spending time with our kid(s) when your profile says you are not interested in anyone with children much less having some of your own.
5. ...say you want to go for a walk and then ask us to sit in your car for an hour to hear the "end" of the football/hockey/basketball game.  And please spare us yelling at your radio during the play-by-play...
6. ...hand us your iPhone to share your playlist while it is still connected to a dating website dedicated to having affairs for married people.
7. ...pretend to want to get to know us if you're just interested in sex.  It wastes both our time which is valuable.  We don't necessarily mind if someone is looking for casual sex as long as he admits as much.  It's not everybody's thing and you might get shot down - but at least that can happen before the writing back and forth, several phone calls, and dinner takes place with the wrong women.
8. ...brag about your lifelong subscription to Playboy because it offers articles with interesting insight and advice.  We don't buy it.  And we believe you DO simply because it offers pictures of naked women...

Looks like a winner!!