The men have spoken...

Earlier this month I provided advice from the ladies to men on the dos and don'ts of on-line dating.  In the spirit of fairness I thought it appropriate to turn the tables and return the favor for the women that might be dialed in here.  That's right, ladies, we men actually have preferences, too; and your ability to follow some of the suggestions below might reduce the number of awful dating experiences you encounter and help in narrowing down your selections to uncover the elusive "Mr. Right" you're always pining about.

I should mention here that I was hard-pressed to secure many opinions from the fellas on this topic so a large percentage of the suggestions are my own.  This is for several reasons.  First, most of my guy friends are married and have been out of the dating scene longer than I've been single.  In short, they've been out of the game forever but still have some opinions on the topic.  Secondly, it's an odd topic for a guy to broach with his male friends.  We'd rather discuss carburetors, shooting percentages in the NBA Finals, or how MacGuyver might fix our broken garage door assembly.  Lastly (and this is a rather selfish viewpoint on my part), I wasn't too keen on soliciting advice from guys I didn't know very well. Call me narrow-minded but I've heard too many horror stories from women on the attitudes and approaches of guys to dating that I'm not terribly interested in their suggestions or ideas - the few I heard second-hand were not going to find their way into this entry (e.g., wear something tight on the first date so we have an accurate idea of what we're dealing with).  Really, men...really???  So I'll be forging ahead largely on my own here.  Deal with it...

You're 42 and this picture was taken just last year??  Right...

Your Profile Page

1. Let's start really basic.  You NEED a photo if you want to get our attention.  Men are visual and we want to know what you look like - your eyes, color of your hair, style of dress, your smile, your body, etc.  Without a photo, we're going to assume (admittedly sometimes incorrectly) that you have something to hide.
2. On the same topic, we would prefer to see multiple photos - at an event, on the lake, out with friends.  It gives us an idea of how you spend your time, the activities/interests you might be involved in, and how you present yourself in different settings.  You don't need to be made up or perfectly coiffed in every scenario - quite the contrary - we simply want to see you being yourself.
3. Similar to the women's preference, we prefer candid shots - NOT pictures from a professional photo shoot where you're airbrushed, artificially altered to look younger, thinner, etc.
4. In the same spirit, let's avoid using your high school prom photo as a profile pic, unless you graduated this past year in which case you shouldn't be on the site in the first place, but I digress.  Use recent photos, ladies.  You ask the same of us...
5. I have to be careful with this one.  I've read so many profiles where women abhor pictures of guys with their shirts off, workout photos, flex-and-pose photos - you get the idea.  Well, ladies, practice what you preach.  If you're going to put a picture on your profile where your boobs are the centerpiece, or you're decked out in harlot attire, men are going to assume that's what you're selling or what you're interested in.  So don't react adversely when you receive several hundred messages with "Nice tits" in the subject line - you asked for it.  If you dress slutty in your pics, we're going to assume that's what you are and what you're after.  Leave a little to the imagination - we'll enjoy getting to know that side of you in due time...
6. I can't speak for most guys but I am hugely opposed to poor spelling.  In this age of auto spell-checks and other wonderful on-line correction tools, someone who can't capitalize, punctuate, or spell properly isn't "cute" - they're moronic.  And it's not attractive - at least, not to me.
7. Most sites provide self-select options to describe your body type (they offer the men the same options).  Let's try a little honesty here.  Be comfortable with who you are and how you appear - and be open about it.  "Athletic and toned" shouldn't be so broadly defined as to describe someone as wide as they are tall.  And "Slender" means, well, slender.  I don't say that to be harsh - but you're being dishonest with yourself and others.  And what do you think is going to happen when we actually meet in person?  Do you think we won't notice, or somehow overlook your cherubic appearance because of our witty exchanges?  Not likely.
8. I could break the following item into a myriad of different items but I'm trying to be economical.  In short, BE HONEST AND BE YOURSELF!  Be comfortable in your own skin and you'll ultimately find someone that likes you for who you are - not who you're pretending to be.  Don't write things about your interests and aspirations unless they are truly your interests and aspirations.  Don't pretend to be someone you're not - it never works.  What will happen is, with time, you'll grow tired of the charade and revert back to your true self, and then you'll have a real problem.  We fellas dig women who are self-confident, self-assured, and independent (at least this one does).  So go with that...  : )
9. Your written profile probably isn't the best venue to rant on all the things you hate about your ex-husband, ex-boyfriend, men in general...  I've read a few profiles that were so filled with anger and hate it really made me question why the person was attempting to look for a date in the first place.  Everyone has baggage - I get it - but like the real thing, it's good to store the luggage in a closet after the business trip and keep it there until it's needed again.  Transferring your anger or resentment from a previous relationship onto a new one is neither fair nor healthy.

Who wouldn't jump at the chance to take this woman out?

When responding to a guy...

1. I've read so many profiles of women who indicate they hate receiving/won't respond to "winks" on-line.  And yet these same women, when interested in a guy...wink.  What the hell is up with that???!!!  I don't want to hear about how much more volume you have to deal with on the dating site - if you're interested, take the time to write a few lines about why that is.  Guys (despite their rugged exterior or persona) like feeling special or singled out - just like the rest of the world - and a little note goes a long way.
2. I hear a lot of women say they don't have time to respond to everyone and they hate when men get all upset about it.  Women, you have a very lucid, very valid argument here and I fully agree with you - except...  If you reply to a guy and hint at an interest and several email exchanges take place, that is NOT the appropriate time to simply go radio silent.  If you open the proverbial door with a guy, make sure and close it.  It's so rude to give someone the impression you're interested and then leave them guessing.  If you never responded at all - that's different.  Just be consistent and be polite.
3. Maybe it's just me but I'm not interested in months and months of "just writing back and forth".  If I'm interested in you, I'm going to want to get you on the phone relatively soon and then meet you in person soon afterwards.  Facebook and LinkedIn are great for virtual networking long-term but I want my on-line dating experience to be more of a means to an end - the end being connecting live and in-person with a woman I'm interested in dating.  If you're merely seeking a pen pal, be clear about this in your profile or your first message(s).
4. Ladies, don't settle!  Men should be gentlemen, demonstrate manners, treat with you respect - all the things your folks probably taught you and wanted for you when you were younger.  You deserve no less - therefore, don't settle!  If a guy writes you and refers to you as a piece of meat, compliments you on your hypothetical "Brazilian wax job", or uses in his message one of those corny, inappropriate pick-up lines formerly reserved for bar scenarios - don't kid yourself into thinking you're going to change him or that he'll grow to respect you in time.  Are you completely daft??  If you claim you're looking for a gentleman, then make sure his messages, phone calls, and texts are consistent with gentlemanly behavior.  If nothing else, it'll help thin my competition.
5. Again, spelling and grammar.  "ThaNk you fur reeding my profyle.  Ur so hot whin kan we meat fur a dreenk."  Wow, can't wait to discuss socioeconomic policies in the European Union and their impact on foreign currency markets with this dreamboat..

Ashlee won't be getting a reply anytime soon...

On the first/second date

1. Don't feel obligated to order water and a small side salad and call it your meal unless that's REALLY all you would order if it was "girl's night out".  Again, be yourselves and quit pretending.  I actually am more impressed with a date that will accept having dessert at the end of the meal without feeling the need to make some obligatory disclaimer that she normally wouldn't, or that she shouldn't, blah blah blah...  Grab a spoon and help me make a mess of the apple cobbler - you'll score brownie points...
2. Try not to spend the entire time ranting about all the horrible first dates you've had with other guys.  I'm not them and, while I'm sorry you've had miserable past experiences, our current date doesn't have to be one of them.  If you're not willing/able to hit the "reset" button and come into our date open-minded, don't bother.  Nothing I'll say/do will convince you otherwise.
3. Don't brag about how rich/successful/famous your previous dates or boyfriends have been.  It comes off sounding extremely insecure - borderline desperate.  I can't speak for other guys but I'm very comfortable with my work ethic, my values, my lifestyle and my income.  If a woman is going to go out of her way to compare where I am in life with others that have come before me, I can merely suggest that her priorities aren't in line with my own.  I judge women by who they are - their substance and character - not what they do for a living or how much they earn.  I look for the same in return and usually am able to weed this out prior to a first meeting.  I'd prefer to spend our time together actually learning more about YOU - not pining on my previous romances or hearing exclusively about yours.
4. Don't invite another girlfriend to join us for dinner while we're on our way to dinner.  Also, please don't call several other guy friends to stop by and join us at the restaurant while we're finishing our appetizers (yes - this actually happened).
5. Because I'm inclined to hold the door for you when entering/exiting a restaurant, or to hold the car door for you when entering/exiting your vehicle at the end of a date, or to get your chair - this doesn't mean I don't respect your equality as a woman, or am attempting to demean or undermine your gender equity.  I was raised to be a gentleman and engage in these behaviors as a sign of respect - not because I'm a sexist or anti-feminist.  As such, I'm not needing a lecture as to why my behavior is somehow inappropriate or dated. (yes - this also happened)
6. I don't expect that because I've treated you to dinner that you are obligated to somehow repay me with affection or sex.  If you've been on dates where that expectation existed, then the man you were with was likely a pig.  It's a first date - the affection, etc. can/will happen later on if the chemistry is there and it'll happen naturally.  It shouldn't be forced or artificially approached.  This isn't an episode of "The Bachelor" and if you can't distinguish between reality and what you watch on TV, then you should consider seeking professional help.  Men don't date harlots nor take them to dinner - they simply pay them for sex and then leave.  Don't be anyone's harlot.
7. If you had a great time at dinner, don't fall into the ridiculous societal misnomer of assuming you need to wait a certain number of hours/days to reach out and say so.  Reaching out right away doesn't make you appear desperate, it indicates you genuinely had a good time.  This whole nonsense of "playing hard to get" or "not appearing overly eager" is a total load.  Throw away whatever manual you're using and just follow your heart...

See what I mean???

Restless about summer...

Remember when we were kids?  C'mon now, it wasn't THAT long ago.  Those last weeks of school?  Trying to stay focused for finals?  Finding it so difficult to sit in Ms. Johnson's classroom because the weather looked oh so nice outside?  And then that glorious moment came - the afternoon bell ending the last period on the last day of school!  Summer had arrived - sunshine, warm weather, the start of several months of vacation and, if you were a kid, pure unadulterated bliss!!!

I'm not sure if I continue to woo the inner child or something but those feelings of summer have never left me.  I still get a charge around the May/June timeframe, despite the fact that my work schedule doesn't follow the "9 months on - 3 months off" schedule from my grade school days.  There's just something about summertime that remains magical.  Admittedly, I have several things in adulthood that continue to make summer a special time of year - namely, the arrival of my son for his summer break.  Having Kellen for the whole season affords some amazing father/son time for a number of activities.  Even with the work demands, we always manage to create sensational memories from June until August.

In the spirit of the season, I decided to pen what summer means to me.  I imagine there'll be a few things on this list that strike a nostalgic or common chord with you the readers.  Feel free to reply back and share some of your summer traditions.  More importantly, make sure you're getting out there and making them happen.  After all, it won't be too long before Ms. Johnson's classroom beckons us once again...

• Outdoor concerts - there's just something about live music at an outdoor venue that's magical.  I recall The Chieftains, Barry Manilow (don't knock it - the man could definitely GIG), Earth/Wind/Fire, KC and the Sunshine Band, Boston/Styx, Maroon 5, Steve Miller Band, the Eagles, and so many others...

Pre-show anticipation!

• Weekends on Lake Lanier - my best friends owned a ski boat for a number of years and I have vivid memories of packing a picnic lunch, drinks, several books/games, and spending the entire day on the water.  Water floats, wipeouts on the Nautica inner tube, playing catch with water balls, smell of suntan lotion, great music on the water, rednecks parking their boat practically on top of ours, the beach mini-grill, tossing Kellen from the boat when he was MUCH smaller (now the kid could toss me), watching the jet boats cruise back and forth during Poker Run, the "Stacy Submersible"...

NYPD patrolling Lanier waters...

• Morning golf - Kellen would join "the regulars" for our weekly tradition of golf at Trophy Club.  Rich Palmieri, John Luker, Kellen, and I were the staples every Saturday morning for a little breakfast and a round of golf, usually followed by post-game sushi/Roasters or heading out on the boat (see above).  thrown clubs, bumper golf-carts, the occasional s* bomb, making Kellen run to catch up to the cart, refreshment cart girls, playing the Par 3 course at River Pines, Kellen's near demise from heat exhaustion at the Hooch (the acting job was legendary), the smell of freshly cut grass around the greens...

Rare photo of a golf legend...

• Topsail Island - for 13 straight years, Kellen and I have spent at least one week at the beach with my dear friend and former HS teacher, Dan Nukala (much nicer classroom than Ms. Johnson, by the way).  Topsail is located just north of Wilmington, North Carolina and remains a sleepy beach town that's never too crowded and always able to cure the stresses of work/school as only sleepy beach towns can.  Dan's brother working the grill, Dan's potato salad, viewing lightning storms from the patio porch facing the sea, searching for gators on the golf course, sand fleas, sea turtle hospital, Dave/Molly and pontoon boat rides, catching a movie in Wilmington, the USS North Carolina, the Serpentarium, Country Kitchen, rusty beach chairs, the art of doing nothing, the family reunion...

A very happy Kellen with Dan

• Summer camps - what would summer be without the obligatory summer camp for the kids?  Tired grownups, overexcited youth, it's a recipe for sheer disaster!  Kellen was no exception as he grew up with Nature Camp, Soccer Camp, Canoeing/Kayaking Camp.  My favorite years were the ones where flexibility at work afforded me the opportunity to volunteer as an adult instructor - some of the best bonding time you can imagine!  Kellen as a 6 year old, all sweaty and smiley, running and jumping in my arms at the end of Camp Elatchee Nature Adventure (sorry, folks, no other memory really matters...)

Two cousins and a kayak - what more do you need?!

• The Volunteer Firefighter - when Kellen was younger he was completely enamored with all things having to do with the art of firefighting: vehicles, outfits, the pumps, the ladders - the kid simply couldn't get enough.  As luck would have it, one of my best friends, Rich Palmieri, serves as a volunteer fireman with the City of Roswell.  No summer would be complete without taking Kellen for a tour of the firehouse and Rich was the coolest - allowing Kellen on the trucks, throwing him in an outfit/helmet, letting him pull off a hose.  The amazement in Kellen's eyes and the sheer joy of experimenting with his real passion - simply priceless!  lights/sirens on the Hummer, red plastic fire chief helmets, hoses and giggles, Kellen sacked out in the backseat of the car on the drive home from overstimulation...

Kellen and his IDOL!!

• Six Flags - what summer would be complete without at least one trip to the amusement park?  The rides, the shows, the really nasty food - it's a tradition!  I will never forget Kellen's first ride on a roller coaster when we was finally tall enough to meet the minimum height requirement - he was so proud and so self-assured...right up until we got close to actually boarding the ride.  The realization of having to face his fears was so evident on his face and the angst was palpable.  I'll never forget seeing his little head sinking WAY back into the headrest and seeing his little knuckles turn white from gripping so hard.  I'll also never forget that fear melting into sheer delight half-way through the ride when his panic turned to pleasure and little Kellen could be heard laughing and giggling through the loops and turns as a little boy transitioned into "little man-hood".  Cotton-candy, Skee-Ball, the Great Gasp (parachute ride) - literally,  bumper car mania, Kellen not wanting his hand held "cause big boys don't hold hands", frozen lemonade, Bat-Man roller coaster, SuperMan roller coaster, MindBender, water rides even when you knew the water was nasty JUST to cool off...

That's all for now.  The "boys of summer" are off on another adventure.  Here's hoping we'll see you in the sand, surf, or sun...

The women have spoken...

This is a message for the guys out there.  That's right, fellas - this is all for you.  Which means most likely this post will be read immediately by the women followers - and that's okay because this is a message from the fairer gender directly to us guys.  Think of it as a sort of field guide to successfully navigate the mysteries of women through on-line dating.  All of the sites out there are different - different requirements, different restrictions, different approaches - but, according to the women I've talked to - they all would yield greater results for the boys if we could simply follow some simple guidelines.  So guys, grab some nachos, put on some Classic Rock, and let your education begin:

The Profile

1. Don't put up 95 photos of yourself.  6-8 is truly sufficient, but absolutely no more than 12.
2. On the photo issue, we want to see YOU -- not a sunset, the beach, or your damn dog/cat/gerbil.
3. Try to select pictures that are candid shots - NOT some professional photo shoot image with a fog machine and mood lighting (we've seen it - too many times...)
4. We don't want to see your workout photos (c'mon, guys -you know what we mean).  You may have a nice body and have benefitted from proper exercise/nutrition.  Let us discover that on our own vs. shoving down our throats/in our faces.  Leave a little mystery...
5. If you have gray hair on top of your head or in your beard, leave it alone.  Don't attempt Grecian formula to the point that you resemble a Japanese anime character...it's not helping.
6. PLEASE don't use old photos of yourself.  Don't claim they are recent (e.g., within a year) when they are date-stamped from 5 years ago; or your hair is a different color than in the photos; or your hair is mysteriously absent upon meeting from what was pictured...
7. It would help your cause to avoid improper grammar, poor spelling, or a lack of punctuation/ capitalization in your written profile - especially after claiming multiple degrees or an advanced degree.  This includes your written communications to us...
8. Take the time to write something informative in your profile.  Please don't start by saying, "I don't know what to write here...".  Nobody enjoys writing about themselves (well, almost nobody) but put on your big-boy pants and do it.  Have someone else read it to make certain it flows.  You may know what you are trying to say but that doesn't mean you have conveyed that intended message effectively.
9. Guess what?  EVERYONE loves to travel so unless you have enough money to retire and travel constantly, don't go on and on about it.  Talking about places you want to go with someone special is fine - we don't need paragraphs on the topic.
10. Don't use the entire body of your profile writing about all of your requirements, of everything that's been missing in the previous women you've dated, or ranting about what a harlot your ex-girlfriend is - it comes off sounding like a serial killer.
11. Don't indicate you are divorced if you are not; don't tell us you're in the legal profession when you've actually been disbarred and now sell cars for a living; don't tell us you like to read when you don't own a bookshelf or have a library card, and your Kindle doesn't contain a single download yet... (you get the idea here, fellas - honesty seems to be an important theme with the ladies)

NOT the photo to use for your profile pic...

When writing/responding to women...

1. "I loved your profile" is not an acceptable message on its own.  Really??!!  How about a line or two that indicates what was so inspiring/captivating about it??
2. If you're going to reach out, try something a little more deep than "I'm interested" or "How are you today?" with...no...other...content!  Oh yes, and SIGN YOUR NAME!  "Yes, Hello Mysterious Stranger...thanks for writing.  You seem very nice and are attractive.  Now who the !@#^% are you???"
3. Please don't use your first message to us to request our latest bikini shot.  We typically reserve those for later in the relationship...
4. Please make sure you've actually read our profile before attempting to write us.  We know you're visual and we all look at the pics first but we lose interest when you write and reference absolutely nothing about our profile write-ups (interests, aspirations, etc.).
5. In the same vein, please don't write us and reference some other woman's profile.  This will not help your chances..
6. If we're polite enough to respond and indicate, "thanks, but no thanks", then PLEASE don't go all John Hinckley/Charles Manson on us.  Our attempts to be nice and provide closure shouldn't require a future restraining order because you're feelings have been hurt.  Accept that not everyone is a match for everyone and move on...
7. Please consider providing a phone number at some point vs. choosing to only send messages.  This is a dating site and we're looking for something more than merely a pen-pal.

On the first/second date

Please don't:

1. ...pretend to want to hold our hand and then reach around and grab our ass; this is not a compliment - and it's not that funny.
2. ...ask us on a second date and instruct us not to wear jeans as they are too difficult to deal with; skirts or dresses only?  Really???
3. ...tell us you are looking for someone active and athletic and then ask why we don't have long nails painted bright red.
4. ...tell us how much you think you would enjoy meeting/spending time with our kid(s) when your profile says you are not interested in anyone with children much less having some of your own.
5. ...say you want to go for a walk and then ask us to sit in your car for an hour to hear the "end" of the football/hockey/basketball game.  And please spare us yelling at your radio during the play-by-play...
6. ...hand us your iPhone to share your playlist while it is still connected to a dating website dedicated to having affairs for married people.
7. ...pretend to want to get to know us if you're just interested in sex.  It wastes both our time which is valuable.  We don't necessarily mind if someone is looking for casual sex as long as he admits as much.  It's not everybody's thing and you might get shot down - but at least that can happen before the writing back and forth, several phone calls, and dinner takes place with the wrong women.
8. ...brag about your lifelong subscription to Playboy because it offers articles with interesting insight and advice.  We don't buy it.  And we believe you DO simply because it offers pictures of naked women...

Looks like a winner!!